Thank you for the good times
Saturday, July 17, 2010 7:14 AM
I finally understand why others use blogs. I would too, but it won't be right here for you to read. I've got so many things i want to say. But just, not here.
Though you have already accepted my apology,
I guess we will never be the same again.
I always thought i knew who you were, I thought i understood you. Maybe it was just superficially. Sometimes i question whether what i did was really what you might have liked. Durian ice blended,the flea market, 2AM, Yigloo, dragging you around with me when shopping. Maybe you just didn't say that you disliked it. (Maybe you just forced it down all the same. Seeing by how you wanted to throw it away unfinished) Sometimes i wonder if what you are saying is really what you really think. Or were you just saying it to make or keep me happy.
I keep replaying yesterday's scene over and over in my mind. It is like I don't understand why you walked off. I don't understand where I did wrong. When all i did was to point out what i saw and not drag us all there. I didn't even intend to do that. Not after how you reacted the first time. If you really don't like it, just tell it to me straight in the face that you don't. Tell me straight what the boundaries are. At least I won't feel as lost as I am now. Maybe I will understand it someday. Maybe I don't even know who the real you is.
Maybe to you I am just like a clown. For you to laugh at. For your own amusement. Since I am always fooling around and being happy. I mean, I am such a joke, right? This stupid little girl going crazy all the time, spouting rubbish. She sure is funny! Maybe i should hang around her to get more laughs. But I am not always like that. Especially now. It is exactly at such a time like this that I feel all this is such an act. Just an act to make people around me like me. But I really want to be happy. Day in Day out. Thank you for being the cause of me feeling this sad in years. Really. I don't even register feeling this way before. It like i fell into my own little state of depression, just not that bad.
I don't feel like laughing anymore. I don't feel like singing and dancing. I don't listen to the same favourite songs. The day doesn't even feel bright and all i feel like doing is sleeping and at least get the day over and done with. It is like a dream. A nightmare i desperately want to wake up from. I am sorry but i can't help but feel this way. After all, i really treated you like I would treat any of my best friends I treasured. I really loved you as my friend.
And no, I am not crying. I've just got sand in my eyes.
(Thank you dear Jacintha for anticipating my need for this at a time like this. I love you)
Thank you. While it lasted anyway. I really enjoyed myself.
(reading Charissa' LJ made me smile. Thank you. I realised how long i haven't updated.)
